For as zen as I want to become I still get jealous. I have to keep this a secret as my new agey,
zenny friends might look down on me.
However, does being zen or enlightened really equate to perfection? For
a long time, I thought it did. I would
get frustrated that I wasn’t like my yoga teachers and friends because, well,
they seem so damn happy and perfect all the time (More on letting go of the idea of perfection in a later blog).
However,
I’m sure even the most enlightened people can jealous sometimes. I wonder if the Dalai Llama wonders what it’s
like to not have to be so Dalai Llammaie all the time. This weekend I experienced two bouts of
jealousy. First, I must say on my quest
to zen one of my goals is to actually like my body. I have a disease called PCOS (my positive thinking class teacher would call this an "opportunity" more on that later), which is a
hormonal imbalance, where is it extra hard to loose weight. Basically, it sucks. It makes you have extra fat around your waist
line in addition to oily thin hair and a sugar processing problem. It also can increase problems with depression
and anxiety, YAY! I am also very short with a small torso, therefore, any ounce
of fat looks very obvious on me. In
addition, it is very hard to buy clothes cause I am very small in height yet
have jimongous boobs, which makes it even harder to find clothes that fit.
I don’t want to
go into too much detail, but I went out with my boyfriend and others this
weekend and noticed another female ate about 5,000 calories and was still
thinner than me. In addition, they kept trying
to feed me cookies and pretzels and I had to decline. Am I not expieriecing the
nectar of life cause I am deprived of these greasy joys in life? My hot headed
evil twin wanted to throw a corndog but needless to say, I lost
the fun of the present and focused then on how my body was worse than
hers.
But
luckily, it didn’t last long. I may not
look as healthy in some areas, but I’m pretty sure I’m a generally healthy
person. After reading about how most
American food is absolute poison in my Paul Pitchford holistic nutrition book, why would I want to touch that? And I thought
back to the lesson in my positive thinking class…instead of staying jealous,
delight in other people’s fortunes and happiness.
Examples:
Big no-no: Ew, what a
rich bitch. Does she really need to have
such a big house?
This is not for us to judge but instead the more zen thing
to say is.
Big yes-yes: (not sarcastic) I am so happy that she is able to afford such a big house and a closet full of shoes!
Or in my case
Big no-no: Omigod! How is she able to eat Fried Oreos? My
body would create a special section of fat just for that!
Big Yes-Yes: God Bless her race car metabolism!
The other thing I learned is to tell yourself how much you
love things you may not really love. But
if you say it enough, that may change.
Therefore, I should say something I like this to myself.
I love my love handles and extra large ass! It is as
beautiful (and as large) as the moon in the sky! (In fact, my boyfriend always
says my butt looks like a moon. He has
no complaints). Thank you God for my
huge boobs that give me back pain and make it close to impossible to fit in a
dress, but at least I have boobies! Some people pay to have boobies! Mine are
free! Woohoo! How many things in life are free! Money may not grow on trees, but my boobies do!
When I was younger, I used to do this regularly. I have two pieces of back fat and I named
them. I gave them cutesy Disney movie
sidekick names. I named them Flub and
Blub. I would never call them my back
fat. Just flub and Blub. In a way, it put humor into the situation.
From now on, I’m going to walk around and say, I love my
back fat! I love my back fat!
Zen lesson of the day: Love your flaws. Maybe they aren’t even flaws at all. And you know what love other flaws too.
Hey, this stuff isn’t easy.
It wasn’t my last bought of jealousy, which I will explain in another
blog. But it’s a journey, not a straight, no bumps, one way ride. But for now,
Namaste.
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