What's the worst they can say? Do it Anyway!

      I am sorry for not posting on here in awhile.  I have been going through a rough patch, but have taken a large step that will definitely help me on this journey.
      I recently submitted an essay I wrote to several holistic/spiritual online e-zines.  So far two have complimented yet rejected it, but I'm going to keep sending it.  I believe in it and I figure if I believe strongly in it, someday, somebody will.
      In addition, I just out sent a short story that has been milling around in my computer files for years.  I loved this story when I wrote it, but after shopping it around to too many writing groups and having a bomb shelter's worth of varying opinions on it, I gave up on it.  I just couldn't look at the story objectively without someone else's voice writing it.
     I have since gone rouge and dropped out of those groups and one day ventured to show a trusted friend the story.  She loved it and other than a few style issues did not think I had to rework the entire premise to please someone else.  She encouraged me to send this and other stories currently on hibernation to editors.  What's the worst they could say? No?
    So since then, I have been sending my stories out and several of them have been published.  I have gained more confidence and realized that rejection is just one bump.
    I brought this point up to the positive thinking class I take on Saturdays...the instructor added to the  point saying that not everything is going to resonate with everyone.  There are 7 billion people in the world.  What if the story only resonates with 1 million?
    I'll take the 1 million.
    What's the worst they can say? No? :)
   
 

How Tommy Wiseau and the Worst Movie of All Time Taught me to Keep Writing

         I tend to find inspiration in weird places.
         I am reading the book, "The Disaster Artist" by Greg Sestero about the filming of The Room, considered to be"The Citizen Kane of Bad Movies".  The Room is written, directed and produced by Tommy Wiseau a quirky oddball of mysterious origin.  In addition to being a behind the scenes look at The Room, it is also a memoir about the struggles of trying to make it in Hollywood: having the right image, knowing the right people and having the right amount of talent.
      But what if someone wanted to make a movie so bad, be an actor so much that he's willing to throw every rule out of the proverbial window and pave his own path.
      This is exactly what Tommy Wiseau does.
      If anyone believes in the "law of affirmation," it's Tommy Wiseau....He constantly says throughout Greg's book that his movie will be "The greatest movie ever."  While everyone laughs at this proclamation, thinking The Room will fade into obscurity , Tommy's dream, while not as he expected, comes true.  Instead of getting upset over The Room's new reign as the King of Crappy Films, Tommy embraces it and has fun with it.  His film is now seen at special screenings around the country with a Rocky Horror like cult following.   In fact, he made another film, The House that Drips Blood on Alex, which is a must see for many reasons too hard to express in words.
     As you can see from my previous blog posts, I beat myself up over everything.  When I write, I sit and think, Will people like it? Will they remember this? Maybe I should be like Tommy and not worry. Not care at all.  Just write and believe that it's good.
     And then it will be good, but maybe not in the way I expected.  Even though The Room reeks of the stink bomb that it is, it has brought much laughter, whether intended or not to many people.
    If anything, Tommy doesn't apologize for being weird.  He embraces it and says, "Take it or leave it, this is me."  Though Tommy's behavior at times is rude, belligerent, stubborn and often disturbing, he doesn't care what anyone thinks or says.  This is a guy in the moment.
      I have started to write more and am feeling uninhibited about what to write about. I usually spend hours or days wondering, Is this idea publishable? Can this make money? But now, the world seems like an open box that I can fill with whatever I want.
      They key is be yourself and just write and who knows maybe something unexpected will happen.  And one person's garbage is always another person's treasure.
     Just keep creating.
   

Not Complaining for a Week

       I said I would give an update on my whole not complaining experiment.  At first, it was extremely hard.  My boyfriend kept reminding me that I was complaining even if I didn't realize it.  I was led to  believe that I was a chronic complainer and there was nothing to help me.
      But I kept at it.  Every time I a whiny thought popped into my head, I let it pass.  Like I was meditating, I let the thoughts come but tried not to act on them.  I was very nervous about starting the school year again (I'm a teacher) and was concerned about being overwhelmed.  I let the thoughts slide into my mind, but kept reassuring myself that everything would work out fine and to trust in the universe.
       And honestly, I have been enjoying my afternoons more.  When I come home from work, not complaining allows me to let go of my day and focus on the present.  This in turn has helped my relationship with my man blossom and I am more attentive to our relationship.  When he's talking to me, I am able to experience a strong connection and feelings of happiness because I haven't let Captain Complainer take over my thoughts.
      Yes, I am still unsure about certain things in my life.  Yes, I would like to change some things.  But not complaining has allowed me to focus on the now and just let it be.  In some ways, I have stopped fighting what is and have accepted it.  Now that I have accepted it, things are clearer to me.  I have realized what some of my talents are, I feel more confident and have realized that I have an amazing man who supports me.  I am lucky.
      This morning, I felt some anxiety over something at work.  I took deep breaths and wanted to complain so badly.  I wanted to call my boyfriend and tell him how I felt.  But I didn't.
     And you know what? The feelings passed and I had a good day.
      I guess all of those words of wisdom are right.  Stop complaining and watch how your life changes.
      If I can feel this way in a week, I'm wondering what can happen in a year.
      Game on.

New Goal: Stop Complaining!

My boyfriend and I were chatting in the car when he suddenly remarked that I complain a lot. You see my bf is a ray of happy zen sunshine and sometimes I wonder his secret. He then added, "Maybe you like to complain because it takes the focus off of you and your mistakes.  Maybe I'm happy all the time cause I never complain."  Whether his theory is true or not, he doesn't complain about anything and is very happy. Apparently, the universe is trying to send me some message as cutesy little quotes keep popping up on my Facebook. One said, "Stop complaining for a week and see how life changes."  Ok, ok, I get it, universe calling in the form of some Facebook word graphic with puffy ethereal clouds in the background.
    So I'm going to listen and try to not complain for a week. Let's see how this goes. Who wants to join me?

Learning to Be Present When Everyone is Watching

      A few years ago I participated in the Summer Solstice event in Times Square.  This is a yoga event held in New York every year where you basically do yoga in the middle of Times Square.  The point is, can you remain present amidst the chaos?  Below is a photo of my friend, Paula, participating in the event.

After taking a wonderful, inspiring workshop with Ellen Mosko and Katie Radiola at Soulful Awakenings in Lake Como, I decided to start my own yoga practice.  This has always been a struggle for me.  I have an epic case of monkey mind (though not so much lately so I must be getting "zennier") and think too much about what pose to do next and want to rush through everything.  Luckily, I went to a workshop about cultivating your own practice.  Even though I am a certified yoga teacher, this still eludes me.  The instructors broke down everything from a short 15 min practice to a lengthy 60 min practice. Though some of the poses were a bit beginner for me, it was a good starting point.  

I went to the beach with their handouts in tow so that if monkey mind came up all I had to do was look at the next sequence and keep going.

Honestly, I never thought I'd like doing my own practice.  But I loved it.  I decided to practice on the beach and even though others were there, I kind of forgot they were there.  At one point a man was pointing at me.  I wasn't sure what he was saying, but I didn't care, I kept going.  And sometimes that's what we have to do.  Take a glance at the horizon, but stay present and keep going.  I have some potential opportunities in my life right now that I am hesitant or afraid to begin because of fear of failure, what others will say or if I will have the money.  Sometimes, you just have to "go with the flow" and see where it takes you.

In the past, I would have stopped mid practice constantly aware of the bugs biting me on the beach or the onlookers making nasty remarks, but this time I realized that this practice is about my journey.  There are always going to be challenges to staying present, but if you stick your two feet in the sand and close your eyes, you will realize there is no struggle.

Realizing what yoga is really about...

In 2011, I became a certified yoga teacher.  While I completely am happy I made this decision, I don't think I understood what yoga was with my heart and soul.  I think I had a mental understanding of it, how the poses worked, how to sequence poses etc.but did not understand where it came from and how strong the mind, body, spirit connection was.
      I liked when yoga teachers would lecture about letting go, acceptance, opening your heart etc. but I didn't completely understand what the poses had to do with these words.  In addition, as a yoga teacher I wasn't confident at all.  I thought what would make me a good yoga teacher was trying to emulate local "rockstar" yoga teachers who would give you a good workout but you would leave feeling physically good, but soul empty. Because of this thinking, I abandoned who I was as a yoga instructor and seriously doubted my worth in the yoga community.  I thought if I wasn't a stick thin person who could wrap my legs around my head, I had no worth.
       I knew it wasn't what yoga was truly about, but felt hopeless in the western world of yoga where appearance, weight, what you can do and what clothes you were seem to be put first even if one says different.  My mom even told me I couldn't be a yoga teacher cause I wasn't stick thin.
    But guess what, I will be a yoga teacher.  I am one.  I just haven't found my audience yet.  And yes, I still have learning to do, some brushing up to do, but I have found my own unique style which I think can help lots of people.
     After studying with Donna Sica-Chiarelli at Soulful Awakenings in Belmar, I became more aware and started reading literature like Paul Pitchford's Holistic Nutrition etc.  I started eating organic food and even though it took away, I feel more energized and happier (In addition, my depression has become almost non existant).  Since studying these philosophies about the law of attraction and how the mind, body and spirit are connected, I am able to instantly pinpoint where stress and pain is coming from and notice tightness when doing yoga.  I understand which poses connect specifically to my life and which can benefit me.  I am totally able to feel my heart open when I do a backbead instead of going through the motions.  I don't just feel  I am doing something to burn calories or get flexible.  However, when doing yoga stretches I do see how my mind is stretching and opening along with my body.
      Since not working my regular school year job, I have noticed how stress directly affects my body and soul and how yoga is also about self-care and honoring your body.  Again, I have heard these terms for about the last eight years, but only now do I completely understand what they mean.
      Yoga is not about having a perfect body or perfect pose.  Each class is a journey in awareness and a learning experience.  And this is what I want to bring to my students.  I want to show them how movement, mantra, mudras and meditation can have an amazing affect on the body as can the opposite. I want to show people the true meaning of yoga:)

Taking Crappy Situations and Making Them Fun!

Okay so my wonderful boyfriend (this is not sarcastic at all, he really is wonderful) is in the National Guard.  Because of this he has two long trainings coming up, one in Virginia where he will be away for three weeks.  Now, I've always been one who get separation anxiety, but there is nothing I can do about this situation.
       So, instead, I'm going to make my time away from him as fun as possible and do things I may not have as much time to do if he was here.  He left two days ago and I have already made sure I got to yoga on time, started writing a short play for a Christmas show in December, hung out with an awesome friend and saw a black box production of Rent.  Today I went to yoga again, got bathing suit tops and bottoms for 9.99 and 5.99 (which is beyond amazing considering I can never get a bathing suit for less than $80 because of my large boobs), cleaned out my hoarder looking car and tonight will be doing some R and R and more zen exploration tonight at Soulful Awakenings during a Restorative Yoga/ Alchemy bowls session.  Oh and I played with some cute kitties when I volunteered with a cat rescue.  I didn't get to the Qigong class, but it's on my agenda for next week.  During my love hiatus.  I also plan on taking a yoga workshop, have lunch with a friend I haven't seen in awhile, go to the Ripper museum in the city, see a friend's play, hopefully finish a one act play, make some pickles, make some homemade cat treats and bubble tea, take some business classes, revise some old short stories, finish some books, take a sauce making cooking class and walk all the way down the boardwalk and see how far it goes.  And that's just a bit of my goals.  I plan to learn, grow and have fun in his absence.
      You see I believe in the THREE BIG S's when a  situation is super shitty, why make it super shittier?
      And I feel like in the last few days, I have reconnected with my authentic self....a really random, creative,  explorer....Not that I wasn't that before....but....
     Since my journey to zen, I have become more aware of patterns.  Patterns that no longer serve me...
I realized that when I am in a relationship, I tend to take on that person's problems as well as mine and try to control and fix things I cannot or do not need controlling.  I am unable to stay in the present for fear that my happiness (and I am VERY happy with my man) will be taken away.
     Now that have realized this ,  I know that when my boyfriend returns, I will be a better gf to him and in a way appreciate him more and feel our amazing connection even more....
     So sometimes shitty things have to happen for us to grow.....
     A lotus flower does grow out of a mucky swamp, doesn't it?
     

One Love, Self Love

Everyone has heard the quote that you can't really love anyone till you love yourself.  I never really understood that quote till recently and it goes way beyond love relationships.
    I have also always been taught that when it comes to a job or career, one has to sacrifice everything even the self and sometimes the self worth to achieve success.  To get where you want you almost need to be a minion of others to stay out at a place of employment.  Boy, is this wrong.
    Self-love or self-respect is a hard concept because it comes across as selfish.  And in some ways sounds like it goes against zen principles.  This concept is very much misconstrued.
    At my place of employment, I have been trying to stand out in hopes of getting higher pay and a good position.  I took a position for a lot less money to get my "foot in the door" and "pay my dues." This past year, I ran myself ragged trying to impress others at the expense of my health.  I often wanted to say that I was doing too much, but was afraid of being called "weak" or "lazy."
     When time for new contracts came around, my pay was barely increased as if I could have done half the work and made the same amount.  Old me would have cowered at this and became angry.  The anger would have blinded me from living the present.  In some ways, I believed that cause  I didn't feel I had much self worth, this happened.  Instead of getting angry, I let go and decided to gain confidence.
     Through this confidence, I was able to speak up and say from a place of love that I thought I deserved more.  Whether I get it or not, the point is I feel revived.  I feel like I took fear and grabbed it by the horns.  And from now on, this is the way I choose to live my life.  All of the great books and teachers say "happiness comes from within."  Yes, we cannot control what happens in our life, but we can really control our reaction to it.  I chose to have a positive reaction and turn an issue into an opportunity.
  Since allowing myself to be confident without guilt, I applied for a scholarship/grant at Brookdale Community College for people in Hurricane Sandy affected areas looking to start or improve their small business.  This is something I always wanted to do and now was my chance!  For a second, I wanted to hide.  I was doubting my own worth.  I quickly picked myself up and said, I'm going to do it.  When you have self love, really, magical things happen.

Goal with this Blog

In addition to becoming more zen in my daily life by living with awareness...I plan on trying various holistic therapies, classes and reading up on different philosophies then blogging about them here.  This means you may see me try a new form of meditation or try Tai Chi, salt rooms or whatever else.  I am welcome to suggestions even if they seem bizarre. Please share below!

A Bout with the Green Headed Monster/Learning to Love Your Back Fat

For as zen as I want to become I still get jealous.   I have to keep this a secret as my new agey, zenny friends might look down on me.  However, does being zen or enlightened really equate to perfection? For a long time, I thought it did.  I would get frustrated that I wasn’t like my yoga teachers and friends because, well, they seem so damn happy and perfect all the time (More on letting go of the idea of perfection in a later blog).

            However, I’m sure even the most enlightened people can jealous sometimes.  I wonder if the Dalai Llama wonders what it’s like to not have to be so Dalai Llammaie all the time.   This weekend I experienced two bouts of jealousy.  First, I must say on my quest to zen one of my goals is to actually like my body.  I have a disease called PCOS (my positive thinking class teacher would call this an "opportunity" more on that later), which is a hormonal imbalance, where is it extra hard to loose weight.  Basically, it sucks.  It makes you have extra fat around your waist line in addition to oily thin hair and a sugar processing problem.  It also can increase problems with depression and anxiety, YAY! I am also very short with a small torso, therefore, any ounce of fat looks very obvious on me.   In addition, it is very hard to buy clothes cause I am very small in height yet have jimongous boobs, which makes it even harder to find clothes that fit.

     I don’t want to go into too much detail, but I went out with my boyfriend and others this weekend and noticed another female ate about 5,000 calories and was still thinner than me.  In addition, they kept trying to feed me cookies and pretzels and I had to decline.  Am I not expieriecing the nectar of life cause I am deprived of these greasy joys in life? My hot headed evil twin wanted to throw a corndog but needless to say, I lost the fun of the present and focused then on how my body was worse than hers. 

            But luckily, it didn’t last long.  I may not look as healthy in some areas, but I’m pretty sure I’m a generally healthy person.  After reading about how most American food is absolute poison in my Paul Pitchford holistic nutrition book, why would I want to touch that? And I thought back to the lesson in my positive thinking class…instead of staying jealous, delight in other people’s fortunes and happiness.

Examples:

Big no-no:  Ew, what a rich bitch.  Does she really need to have such a big house?

This is not for us to judge but instead the more zen thing to say is.

Big yes-yes: (not sarcastic) I am so happy that she is able to afford such a big house and a closet full of shoes!

Or in my case

Big no-no: Omigod! How is she able to eat Fried Oreos? My body would create a special section of fat just for that!

Big Yes-Yes: God Bless her race car metabolism!

The other thing I learned is to tell yourself how much you love things you may not really love.  But if you say it enough, that may change.  Therefore, I should say something I like this to myself.

I love my love handles and extra large ass! It is as beautiful (and as large) as the moon in the sky! (In fact, my boyfriend always says my butt looks like a moon.  He has no complaints).  Thank you God for my huge boobs that give me back pain and make it close to impossible to fit in a dress, but at least I have boobies! Some people pay to have boobies! Mine are free! Woohoo! How many things in life are free! Money may not grow on trees, but my boobies do!

When I was younger, I used to do this regularly.  I have two pieces of back fat and I named them.  I gave them cutesy Disney movie sidekick names.  I named them Flub and Blub.  I would never call them my back fat.  Just flub and Blub.  In a way, it put humor into the situation.

From now on, I’m going to walk around and say, I love my back fat! I love my back fat!

Zen  lesson of the day:  Love your flaws.  Maybe they aren’t even flaws at all.  And you know what love other flaws too. 

Hey, this stuff isn’t easy.  It wasn’t my last bought of jealousy, which I will explain in another blog. But it’s a journey, not a straight, no bumps, one way ride. But for now, Namaste.

           

           

Join the Journey with Me.

I never thought I would blog.   However,  I am a creative writer and sometimes chronic complainer so I thought I'd combine the two in a hopefully, humorous fashion.  I have always been fascinated in enlightened ways of thinking and holistic practices.  I am a certified yoga teacher, however, something is still missing.  I feel like I want to be more zen.  I want to be like those cats on You Tube who can hold oranges in their paws and never budge!

See here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iepGwoZXmkA

And not get pissed off and want to chuck a pumpkin or pepper at someone's head!
I consider myself in general a pretty decent, compassionate person.  I have volunteered with several animal organizations and  helped friends and students out in self-less ways (I am also an English teacher).  Yet, I want to be like a cat. I want to let insults float by me....I want to quell my hot-headed evil twin....I want to be happy all the time.  I want to see the beauty in everything and enjoy simple pleasures! I want to grab life and bath in all it's glories! I want to know what it is truly like to live in the present.

But damn, this shit is hard.

This blog is going to be about my quest to be zen.    (In movie trailer or British documentary host voice)
This is how a whimsical (I love that word) 29 year old woman from Jersey who is slightly angry, sometimes depressed, often anxious, somewhat nuts decided to become enlightened.

Join me on my journey!